Forced marriage? Why do Romani girls cry at weddings?

Why is the bride sad? This is the question social network users often come up with as they watch Romani weddings. And they actually come up with answers of their own right away: she is going to marry a man she does not love; she is being forced into marriage; she is way too young… A lot of replies are suggested—and yet, people often forget about ordinary, commonplace «humane» explanations. Let us then talk about it.

We do not know if you have had a chance to watch these video clips. Anyway, this is how they look. We have a traditional wedding. The bride and the groom are heading towards an automobile; the girl is wiping of her tears and has bowed her head in sadness. Why so? You are not going to believe this but it does not have anything to do with her ethnicity. This is a natural human reaction. Yes-yes, Ukrainian brides do cry, too. Here is a photo of my wedding, here is me in tears. Why was I crying? Because the official of the civil registry office was reading out a lyrical poem. I cannot remember what was the poem about. That said, the fact of me crying was duly registered. Here we have the bride crying. What’s up with the Roma girls then?

Here is how Volodymyr Yakovenko, Executive Director of ARСA, explains these videos and the tears therein:

«Roma are ordinary people. They express their emotions in a variety of ways. Some of them laugh at weddings, some cry. Different people react differently.

There is, however, one peculiarity. By and large, excessive emotional expressions are considered to be unbecoming—particularly as applied to unmarried men and women. This kind of behaviour is viewed as indecorous and impolite.

Now let us get to the stereotype stating that girls are ostensibly forced into marriage. Perhaps this is the case someplace or other. That said! Crying is a normal expression of emotions for the predominant majority of girls. First and foremost, they are leaving their maternal and paternal home. As per Romani tradition, the husband brings his wife to his home—hence, the girl leaves her family. Best case scenario is when both of them hail from the same city. There are cases, however, when the girl has to move from her homeplace. So her friends and relatives and close ones stay behind and she is no longer able to see them as often as she was accustomed to. Secondly, wedding means the end of childhood. Romani tradition stipulates that a married couple is completely independent and responsible for the well-being of their family, for their actions. That is, upon marriage, the childhood is over and adulthood begins, with its both positive and negative aspects. Of course it is something one can be scared of», - says Volodymyr Yakovenko.

As you can see, this is quite a legitimate explanation—one that can be applied to any ethnicity, not only to Roma. But there is another thing here that worries me. Why do is it that people focus on the tears of the Roma bride? Are there not videos featuring mothers of brides and grooms in tears? Or videos featuring Ukrainian brides in tears? Why are these crime-and-mystery style explanations are applied to the Romani community? That would be a rhetorical question. The answer, though, is simple: due to stereotypes.

And it is in these quotidian situations that the actual attitude towards the Romani community finds its expression. She cries? Must be due to forced marriage. Because there just cannot be anything common to all humans, can there? Yes, there can. Remove the stereotypes and you will see.